Slow, Burn

I remember you weakened my defenses first, and I didn't even know. My perception clouded, I couldn't see when you glued my feet to the ground. I only knew when I saw you, tried to run, and felt like I was knee-deep in Elmer's. I cried out! I was encased in ice, helpless, wishing I could say anything at all. You grew in my vision, then you were close enough to touch, and I broke free! I took a step towards you, so close, glowing. As I reached out, the ground beneath my feet went slick, and I fell at your feet, as you wanted. I tried again to get up, fell again. Again. When I was sure there was no more you could do, the oil lit, searing my flesh as I screamed until my voice became the voice of the fire. I slumped to the ground, cracked, broken, godless.

Some Explanations of Things

I wrote this in response to some people who didn't understand some of these cartoons.


Unless you want to look like a total jerk, I wouldn't suggest using any of these in conversation. Also I pretty much just made a bunch of stuff up from what I could remember. For the love of whatever you consider sacred don't expect me to back you up either. Let's say we're at a party and you say w00t when really you meant to say pwnd, I'll be in the other room. It's called cutting the apron strings. Get used to it. No, I don't love you.

******That's it for the disclaimer******

NSFW - Not Safe For Work - Pornography is not something you should be viewing while at work. The internet is roughly 100% pornography, so a lot of people use this as a warning to others that they should perhaps wait until they get home to click that link.

OMFG - Oh My Fucking God - I don't need to explain this.

LOLZ - Laugh Out Loud Z - So this is the mysterious added Z. What's it doing there? Well, the Z adds value to the LOL. A little pizazz, something to let the person you are chatting with know that this LOL is special, not like the other, meaningless, LOLs you toss out at random.

ZOMG - Z Oh My God - Same deal. I did some etymological research (had a nap) for this, and it looks like the Z in this case may have been birthed from people frantically trying to hit the shift key so they could blurt out OMG. This one is really fun to say, I usually pronounce it "zoh mah gawd". Good times.

O RLY - Oh Really - At some point some crazy genius juxtaposed the phrase in question with an image of a really surprised looking owl. Internet history was made.

ROFLMAO - Roll On Floor Laughing My Ass Off - This combines two classics of chat, ROFL and LMAO. Another fun one to say out loud. I say "roffelmayo". Fun to substitute rhyming words! Try roflbatter, wafflecakes, and so on, with the person you are chatting with for that "I just made that up!" feeling.

WTF? - What The Fuck? - Really now. If you are learning about this acronym from this post, you may as well just go outside and start clubbing rocks together in the hopes that you will start a fire and someday connect to the internet. Good luck.

WOOT! - This is neither acronym nor abbreviation, throwing all attempts at categorizing this post out the window. This is an interjection, expressing celebratory feelings, usually from making my pixels toss your pixels around (this is video game humour). It may have come about from hackers gaining root access to your computer (this is bad), and saying woot because they didn't want their mom to overhear and figure out what they were doing. Or maybe it is an acronym, for We Owned the Other Team. But probably not. Possibly a portmanteau of "Wow, loot!", which is something a video game player might say after tossing your pixels around, then taking your pixel stuff. var.\/\/007, w00t, wewt, &c.

NOOB - Newbie - Someone who knows very little about whatever it is they are doing. This comes from a long tradition of people fucking with spelling because they think it's cool. Would have been pronounced to rhyme with floozy initially, and you could still do that if you wanted people to think you were old school. More commonly pronounced to rhyme with tube. var.newb, mcnooberston, n00blet, &c.

PWND - Owned - Another video game thing. Some 13 year old kid just killed you in an online game? You got "PWND", especially if you didn't do much to defend yourself or otherwise got beaten really badly. It can be applied in other situations, as diverse as dropping your hot lunch on your lap to taking a tumble in front of the cute girl in science class. Another fun one to pronounce. If you are old school, then just plain owned will do, but if you're on the up and up you might want to try out pawned, poned, or for the truly cutting edge, pawnage.

TEH - The - A common misspelling caused by people typing really fast. Used to mock the ignorant, but also in the same kind of value-added spirit as the Z explained a little while ago. This one is my favourite of all the cartoons. That cat is great.

FTW! - For The Win! - This is the second half of a fairly commonly used phrase, where you get to play along and insert your own thing for the first half. Usually the thing you are inserting into the phrase has had some positive, measurable effect on a victory. For instance if you have strong feelings about your boots, you might have them repaired. You could then say "Shoe glue FTW!", expressing your victory over paycheque-hoovering shoe stores.

RTFM - Read The Fucking Manual - This is just an excuse to say fuck.

KTHXBAI - Okay, Thanks, Bye - People use this when they're in an argument and they feel they have made an especially strong point, devastating their opponent. Alternatively used by people who wish to end a discussion, presumably in the hope that the other person will be compelled to shut up by the force of combining three parting words into one. I like this one because it gives a real rushed impression, and when I see it I imagine the other person saying it really fast and hanging up. Tends not to work too well in silencing an internet warrior though, as that's not really how it works online. How it works is basically people throwing their views out there without listening to each other, growing ever more frantic in the face of opposition, making baseless claims or accusations, and finally descending into a froth of insanity. I am not exaggerating. That would actually make for a reasoned discussion compared to some of the bullshit on the internet.