Dorker than Usual

Life, if you can call it that, was simple. Shuffle, groan, every once in a while throw up. I never had to think about those day to day life maintenance things. There was very little thinking. I suppose I was very sick. My memories of those days are spotty - lying on the ground, standing in a corner, slumped against the wall, and so on. Sometimes there would be a bright spot, maybe an explosion in the distance from shelling or a power plant going up. I had this general sense that something was wrong. Things just seemed darker than usual, and that's saying something given my world view.

Never questioned my motivations, okay. Chasing, screaming, kicking, confused grabbing; slightly less okay. Yes, everyone else was in on it. But that seems like a poor excuse for what, in retrospect, is likely a couple of hundred deaths on my hands. Those folks, though, you have to feel badly for them. They never made it. Looking back on it, I don't think I ever really felt good or bad rushing them, shrieking for blood, guts, life, and the splatter that goes along with those things. There was no guilt in that week.

It's been tough lately, there's a lot of work to do. Most of it is shovel and spade work. I'm glad to be alive and I've been volunteering for the local IRZO. There was some physical degeneration over the week of infection, but I'm working my way back to a semblance of health. Psychologically speaking I've got a shred of sanity left that I'm gripping to with a desperate strength. I've seen plenty of folks who never really came back from infection, their minds unlimbered by what they could remember, and I will not go that way. Late at night I wait for sunrise, unable and unwilling to sleep, and hold to thoughts of unlikely light spectrums. I was infected. Am I still human?

The Parentheticals are Unspoken

It's at last
the hour is past
close your eyes
dream a dream
of future dawn

Day's work done
night's rest begun
time has fled
down the drain
now today's gone

Again, fade
to black, replayed
blinds are shut
lights are out
the perfect con