Every once in a while my confidence in people is crushed under a giant steamroller. Right now appears to be one of those times. And that's kind of weird, as nobody has really done anything awful to me in a while. Everything's been going along pretty much as usual. There's all that normal functional behaviour of smiles and sunshine, but I'm finding myself unaccountably blinking into distrust. It's a lot like coming down from a powerful hallucinogen. I'll think everything's great and I'm capable of conducting myself in a semi-appropriate manner in public, when all of a sudden reality will have a fit of self-doubt and collapse in on itself, leaving me wondering just what the hell is real, and what do I mean when I say me anyway?
It's really awkward if this happens when I'm socializing. I just zone out and people have to repeat themselves because I'm not listening. This happens all the time to everyone, but I'm starting to think it's becoming a pattern of thought for me, which is slightly worrying. In these moments I wonder if I'll ever meet anyone who will be completely honest. None of those lies for the sake of convenience, none of that shit we all get away with every day.
Perhaps I should get back on the happies.
